Herewith the stated beliefs of the Republican Party in America.
1)
America was founded on Christian principles of
love and tolerance and Republicans reserve the right to kill or torture anyone
who thinks otherwise
a.
America has the freedom of religion, except for
religions Republicans don’t like
2)
Any time science contradicts religion, then it
must be the science that is wrong
a.
Vaccinations cause autism
b.
HPV vaccinations for girls will only cause them
to have sex
c.
HPV vaccinations should be illegal because it is
ALWAYS preferable that young girls get cancer rather than have sex
d.
There is no global climate change, even though
97 percent of climate scientists believe there is and those that don’t are paid
primarily by the oil and coal industry
e.
There is no evolution, the world was made by God
6000 years ago so “The Flintstones” was historically accurate – men could
actually ride on dinosaurs
f.
Flouride in the water is mind control by
Democrats with good teeth
g.
Stem cell research is against God’s will unless
it can help a sick Republican
h.
American men never really landed on the moon –
it was all staged
i.
Ghosts and witches are real but science is fake
unless it supports a Republican’s position
j.
Overfishing doesn’t drive fish to extinction and
any scientific research that says it does is junk science
k.
Any attempt to educate Americans to the harm of
childhood obesity is creeping socialism and fascism
l.
Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice and is not
genetic therefore it’s ok to ridicule fags
m.
Second hand smoke from cigarettes is harmless
and in fact, is probably beneficial
n.
All funding for science that is found to
contradict religion MUST be eliminated
o.
Since God said there is only life on earth we
shouldn’t spend any money seeking for life anywhere else in the Universe
because, ipso facto, there IS no life anywhere else
p.
We KNOW the Bible is the unerring word of God
because the Bible tells us so
q.
The forced medical experiments and treatments on
people against their will by the Nazis was horrible torture, but it’s
acceptable to force pregnant women considering abortion to have an ultrasound
wand rammed up their vagina, even if it means strapping them to the gurney.
3)
Republicans are more deserving than poor people
and Democrats and should have special consideration
4)
Homosexuals should not be allowed to serve in
the military and hurt unit cohesiveness and the thousands of them already
fighting for America on foreign soil should be ridiculed, dishonorably
discharged and not allowed to receive any benefits for their wounds or deaths
5)
Republicans are compassionate and believe they
should step OVER the homeless, not ON them, because it is easier to ignore them
that way.
6)
If people are poor it’s because they deserve it
and should be punished for being poor. If they are punished enough, eventually
they will either find ways to not be poor or they will die of starvation, and
in either case, it’s a win-win.
7)
Education should always be managed by the Church
to protect our youth from learning to think
a.
Any time science contradicts the Bible it MUST
be the science that is wrong
b.
To prevent youth from straying from the Church
we must codify religious beliefs into secular law
c.
The US was founded on Christian principles, even
if there is no history to back that up and lots of documents that contradict
this belief, all of which must be banned
d.
People and documents, like Thomas Jefferson and
the Treaty of Tripoli, that specifically state the US was not founded on
Christian principles should be marginalized or destroyed
8)
Pollution equals prosperity. There should be no
restrictions on where industry should dump its waste
9)
War means jobs and jobs are more important than
peace or a clean environment
10)
If a species of animal goes extinct, it’s not
because of overhunting by humans but because of God’s will
a.
If we hunt or poison a plant or animal to
extinction we can always pray to God for him to restore it…and if it doesn’t
happen, it means God doesn’t think it’s important enough to restore therefore
we should never worry about it either
11)
If a natural disaster happens, it’s not because
of physics or scientific law but because God is punishing those people affected
by the disaster, especially if they are in Democratic regions
a.
Republican regions affected by disasters should
be bailed out immediately, but emergency relief for Democratic regions or
states MUST be banned to avoid creeping socialism or to reduce the Federal
deficit
12)
Telling lies is the right of Republicans; being
blamed for being liars is the role of Democrats
13)
Marriage must only be between one man and one
woman because the Tradition that women are the property of men must be kept
sacred
a.
This rule only has one exception – and that is
for Republicans in Utah where Marriage is only between one man and up to as
many women or young girls as he can score
14)
Morality applies only to Democrats: Republicans
are allowed cheat on their spouse, see hookers, take bribes, invade other
countries and be gays getting blowjobs in restrooms but we will always scream
about Democrats when they get caught. Republicans who get caught deserve
compassion, understanding and rehabilitation.
15)
Women are precious and should always be
protected by staying in the house and taking care of their men – the Republican
Credo on Equality of the Sexes: “Make me a sammich, bitch, and shut up!”
16)
Abortion is wrong and should be illegal except
in the case where it might harm the career of a Republican man, in which case
the woman should be FORCED to have an abortion even if she doesn’t want it
a.
in any
case, the man should NEVER have to pay a nickel of child support for the kid and the bitch
should not be allowed any public funding support -- that will teach the bitch
to keep her slut legs closed even if her bastard starves.
17)
It is always better to allow the entire country
to fail than to see a Democrat succeed, indeed, it is the duty of Republicans
to force the country to fail rather than to let a Democrat succeed.
18)
Using taxpayer funds to support healthcare at
home is rampant socialism bordering on fascism but blowing trillions on foreign
wars is acceptable capitalism
19)
Republicans are never racists, and all lazy niggers,
illegal spics, suspicious chinks, terrorist towel heads and cheap kikes should
wise up to this fact
20)
It is the Republican goal to convince all
niggers, spic, chinks and kikes to vote for our Big Tent Party, because
Republicans love everyone, especially at election time
21)
All Americans are created equal but Republicans
are more equal than anyone else and deserve more consideration – the Republican
Credo of Equality: “After Me, You’re First!”
22)
The Army was made for poor people and Democrats.
The Defense Credo of the Republicans: “Let’s you and him go fight!”
23)
Any time the media prints a story about
Republicans getting caught taking bribes, getting blowjobs in restrooms,
wearing diapers with hookers or calling Africa a country, it’s because of
liberal bias
24)
Welfare should be abolished because it is ALWAYS
better to let children, the disabled and the elderly starve to death than for
us to waste taxpayer money on the few people who actually scam the system
25)
Capital punishment is necessary even if innocent
people are executed because they still serve as an example of what can happen
to you and that’s far more important than their innocence
26)
Any Republican politician knows far more about
the economics of running the country than any economist or researcher who has
spent their entire lives studying it, therefore, any time an economist
contradicts a Republican, it is the economist who is wrong
27)
Welfare is a scam and all poor children,
retards, crippled and elderly people should be drug tested and forced to work
for any handouts that we provide out of our infinite generosity and pity and
these moochers should be ridiculed at every opportunity
28)
In America, everyone gets to vote and since
corporations are people, they get to vote too and their votes count more
because they give us more money
a.
We MUST insure the security of voting by forcing
voter ID cards on people, especially the people who are least likely to be
capable of getting an ID, like the elderly, poor and black, since those people
tend to vote Democrat
29)
Subsidies for farmers and farm corporations in
Republican districts is a right but Social Security for the elderly is a
socialist boondoggle that MUST be eliminated so that we can create more
subsidies for Republican farm corporations
30)
Ronald Reagan proved that “Deficits don’t matter”
except when Democrats are in office, then they are worse than the Devil and
Democrats are destroying America with their evil deficits, even though 2/3s of
all US debt was made by Reagan, Bush 1 and Bush 2
31)
All illegal immigrants are bad, except for those
working for Republicans and working for less than minimum wage
32)
Title IX is a crime that must be reversed
because no silly woman’s sport will ever be equal to a real man’s sport like
Football, so why should we waste money on any woman’s sport?
a.
A Constitutional Amendment is required
preventing women from EVER playing on men’s sport’s teams, to protect their
femininity, their weak bodies and their hymens, which Republicans have a right
to harvest at pre- and post-game booze parties
b.
Republicans are NEVER sexist because the bitches
HATE that
33)
The Confederacy was all about State’s Rights,
not about slavery and people and documents like “The Cornerstone Speech” that
the Confederacy and Civil War were all about Slavery should be marginalized or
destroyed and certainly never taught in school
34)
Political Correctness is wrong and it should
ALWAYS be ok to call people wops, niggers, kikes, spics, retards, gay, faggots,
lesbos, feebs and anything else we want, not only because it’s funny but
because it’s what they are
35)
It is well understood that blowing trillions of
dollars on any war, even one we lose, is acceptable Capitalism but spending
money on the poor, healthcare or even fixing bridges and schools is
unacceptable socialism or communism (unless the bridge or school being fixed is
in a Republican district)
36)
The American Disability Act should be abolished
because adversity builds character and those crips, feebs and blind people
should just keep their hands out of my pocket and work harder to pull
themselves up
37)
Blacks and other minorities caught with large
quantities of drugs MUST be punished to the full extent of the law but
Republicans caught taking drugs, selling drugs or with large quantities of
drugs deserve the utmost compassion and as much rehab as possible, at the taxpayer’s
expense
38)
It’s a proven scientific fact that God was a
white man and anyone who professes otherwise or depicts God as black or a woman
should be punished severely
39)
Everyone on Welfare and Foodstamps and other aid
is a lazy crook stealing from the taxpayer, especially the cripples, retards,
blind, feeble, elderly and children who have their hands in the pockets of
every good, hardworking Republican
a.
Dog food is a perfectly healthy and cheap source
of nutrition for the poor and elderly so there is no need for any kind of
foodstamp program, which is just another way for people to have their hands the
pocket of every Republican
40)
Republicans stand shoulder to shoulder in
fervent support of Israel, even though the evil Jews killed our Lord and
control all the banks and left wing media and should be gassed
41)
As Ron Paul said, sick Americans without
insurance should turn to the Church for assistance. Prayer has been known to
cure some problems and if it doesn’t, the Church will pray over their body. And if they are dead, they are less of a
burden on the economy.
42)
Any problem in America can be fixed by Tax Cuts
for the Rich. If a tornado blows down a town in Kansas, cutting taxes for the
rich will make new roads and phone poles magically emerge from the earth. If we
are attacked by a foreign enemy, tax cuts for the rich will cause ships, planes
and tanks to fall out of the sky to protect us
43)
A Republican’s fake medals, like those worn by
George W. Bush that he never earned, are more worthy of respect than real
medals earned by Democrats, like the Purple Hearts worn by John Kerry
44)
Any time a Democrat wins an election it is the
result of voter fraud
45)
The Right to Bear Arms exists so that patriotic
Americans can overthrow any democratically elected Democrat who might be in
office
a.
The Second Amendment allows all Americans,
including children, to own quad 37 millimeter anti-aircraft guns, and even
ballistic missiles and the sooner we are all so armed the safer we will all be
b.
It is better to allow children in school to be
armed and create free-fire zones in the event of a Columbine-like incident than
it is to outlaw guns in school. The same is true for the workplace, churches,
supermarkets and day-care centers.
46)
It is necessary to force school children to say
the Pledge of Allegiance at school even though it conflicts with the
Constitution, forces them to pray to a God they might not believe in and
requires them to enter into an illegal, binding moral contract that they may
neither understand nor believe in
a.
It’s necessary to force children to pray in
school to a Christian god they may or may not believe in because the churches
are failing and we have to help the churches brainwash children into blindly
accepting Jesus Christ as their Savior without doing any critical thinking
47)
It’s totally acceptable for Fox News to sue the
FCC to protect their explicit right to lie and deceive their viewers but news
outlets that attempt to tell the truth are all filled with liberal bias
48)
Freedom of Speech is the first and most
important of the Amendments except where that speech interferes with
Republicans getting their way
a.
Flag burners should be jailed immediately
because burning the flag is “different” than other speech
b.
Any institution that tells the actual truth
about Republican actions is automatically guilty of “liberal bias”
c.
It is ok for Republican news outlets to lie or
make up stories that make Democrats look bad because that is free speech, but
any Democrats who do that should be punished for libel
